Dear Ammar,

I am very frustrated with work.  I am the most competent in the department, and the only one with a master’s degree.  I am also a hard worker and finish my assignments perfectly and right on time.  But my supervisor never gives me important assignments.  Instead he gives them to other team members and asks me to assist them.  Other team members feel me as a threat because of my abilities, and accordingly try not to allow me to shine.  They always seem to look for reasons to put me down, always jokingly of course, trying to tease me about something I said or did.

In meetings, I always end up in the corner seat without saying a word.  When they discuss a subject, no one asks me my opinion, even though I usually have a good idea that would work better in solving the problem they are discussing.  I am fed up being the outcast in this group.  It is even affecting my morale at home.  My friends and family are saying that I am becoming always angry and on the edge. 

I am thinking of moving from the company, but I am afraid I will land somewhere even worse than where I am.  I have had a previous bad employment experience before I joined this group. 

I would appreciate your advice.

Regards,

M. H.

Dear M.

The greatest abuse people get is usually from themselves, so be careful not let that happen to you.  Most of our problems are within us, not others.  So, the solution to these problems also starts with us; our attitudes, statements, and actions. 

I probably need my own advice before anybody else: We need to remind ourselves to take off the thick dark glasses we might be wearing.  When using generalizations in like “my boss never let’s me…” and “my colleagues always…” we are giving ourselves a gloomy look to life.  Making such statements to one’s self are probably causing anger and edginess more than anything else.  At least, these negative statements are not making you feel any better.

So, to start off, stop saying these things to yourself and stop generalizations.  Whenever your mind wanders in that direction: stop it, and tell yourself: “I will not be negative with myself.  What I am doing is not helping.  I need to deal with this objectively.”  You are not alone in this.  We all do it once in a while and think these negative thoughts.  The important thing is to recognize it and stop it right away.

The next step is to face the situation, and try to be proactive about improving things for you at work.  For example, talk to your supervisor about your feelings.  Ask her for help in building your abilities and in helping you fit in.  When you do not ask for help, the supervisor might interpret that as you not caring enough about your career, or you are too snobbish, neither will earn you points with your manager, who at best thinks that you just do not want her help.

I know team members, like school children, are sometimes merciless when bullying someone.  But you have to get out from the victim mentality and try to be a team player.  Maybe you are reading them wrong, or they are reading you wrong.  Maybe they are trying to know you a bit better and the only way they know how is to get on your case.  Maybe they feel you are trying to be above them and they are responding to it with their behavior.  I am not trying to make excuses for them, but maybe they do not like some of your behavior either, and they interpret it as being hostile. 

You have to decide whether you want to be a happy camper and team player at work or not.  If yes, then start helping yourself by trying to understand your team mates a bit better.  Try to approach them and understand them more.  Make some unthreatening little talk and chitchat with team mates.  The best way to do that is to start asking them questions about their background, what they like, dislike, goals, personal life, hobbies, etc.  That might help them open up to you a bit.  Do this one on one with team mates, before attempting this with the whole group.  Be cordial with your team mates and try to go out of your way to help them. 

Once in a while, bring in something with you for breakfast.  Does not have to be fancy.  Put at your desk something sweet, like bonbons or toffees.  You will find team members when hungry, walking into your area to grab a piece. This will help you initiate talk with them and get them to accept you more.  Try to find something in common between you and them.  Get off your pedestal and do not convince yourself that you are better than them, and treat them with respect. 

Now, if someone jerks your chain with a joke that you do not appreciate, then tell them so flat out.  Some people when they are teased, they try to hide their pain by laughing at themselves with everyone else, or pretend like it did not bother them.  If it bothered you say it: “Ouch that really hurt.” Or “ I really did not appreciate that remark.”  If someone does something that bothers you, ask them to stop.  Do not get agitated or scream, just look them in the eye and tell them kindly but assertively to stop.    

This might work, and it might not, but at least this way you are trying to improve your situation.  If you dismiss this without trying by saying, “it will not work,” then you lose a chance to make things better.  At least try. 

Do not assume that this will work like magic and all of a sudden things will get better.  Give it time.  If it does not work the first time, try and try again.  When you give up, then it is time for you to move out of an environment that is hurting you mentally and find somewhere else to work.

Human beings love to go to their own “pity parties.”  These are parties with usually one person invited: one’s self.  And throughout the party, the person keeps pitying self with thoughts like: “Why am I so unlucky?…Why nothing works for me?…why are people so cruel?” with every thought, the hurt gets worse.  It is normal if we do that on rare occasions.  But if we spend most of our lives in pity parties, then we cannot do anything else and risk living in misery.  When you feel the urge to go to a pity party once in a while, at least acknowledge that you are going there, and that all your feelings and thoughts are because you are at this party.  This might force you to laugh at own behavior and help you snap out of it.  This way, these parties will be shorter, less frequent, and less painful.

Good luck.

Regards,

Ammar