Q- Dear Ammar,  I have a problem of my own and I thought of asking you about it. I have been working for an NGO for over five years now, and I am doing great at work. I always try to do my best. I have been doing such a good job for the organization that I have been promoted into progressive managerial and supervisory positions.

 My problem is that I have low confidence in myself. I can’t speak confidently at meetings. I always get speedy heart beats, and my mouth starts trembling as I start to speak. So usually I don’t speak at all. I also cannot give presentations or speak in front of the public. I am really frustrated, and I don’t know what to do. I participated in a 2-day course on Public speaking, but it did not change a thing.

The thing that hurts me the most is this problem will postpone my promotion. How can I compete with others without having enough confidence? What shall I do? Please, advise me on this e-mail.

 Yours Sincerely,
S.

A- Dear S., Thank you for sharing your problem with me.  For a start, you need to know that you are not alone in this. A big part of this problem has to do with human nature. The important thing is to know how to manage these feelings to your favour. 

From your writing, I can tell that you do have self-confidence, and you have a lot to be confident about.  You communicated your feelings clearly and concisely in your e-mail which is  very impressive.  Someone who can do that in writing can, with some practice, cando wonders communicating verbally. The important thing is not to give up and persevere in your quest to get better. 

Research indicates that the number one fear of humans is speaking in public.  So, you are not alone in this. You are like every other human being.

I strongly urge you to read one of the best books out there on effective speaking entitled “The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking,” by Dale Carnegie.  You have mentioned that you attended a communication workshop earlier, but many find Dale’s approach very simple, straightforward, and practical. Furthermore, his techniques are proven and have been successfully used for decades by people from all walks of life. 

After you read the book, please do not expect that you will wake up the next day and be a great public speaker.  It takes time and lots of practice.  You have to really want to improve for improvement to happen.  Remember that your first couple of times of practice may  feel funny, and you may even feel fake, or that people are on to you.  This is normal to feel, but do not let that stop you from practising. 

So as not to leave you just with a reference book, I would like to share with you how I was able to deal with my fear of public speaking. 

When I used to sit in a meeting, I used to feel afraid of giving an opinion or even uttering   a word.  Early in my career, I was so petrified about making a mistake and making myself look silly in front of everybody else.  What made me feel worse was that I did have a good opinion to share and it would have been useful to share it, but because of feeling timid, I did not.

One thing that helped me overcome this over time was constantly reminding myself of my responsibilities towards others.  “If I do not speak and express myself, I will not be doing my job properly, as I am invited to the meetings to provide value,” I always used to say to myself. I felt I had to overcome my fears for the sake of my colleagues and team members who counted on me to give everything I got to my work.

To be honest, I also felt I was being selfish and self-absorbed by being afraid to look silly.  Who am I not to look silly? Being a human being, I have to accept the fact that yes, once in a while I may make a mistake and look silly or even stupid.  But that is a risk I have to take to be effective and to do my job right.  One has to believe that no one has the right to judge him.  It is best to accept one’s self for who one is, be out there and let people see yourself as is.

You can see that having the right attitude is essential to dealing with this problem.  Then, other techniques can help. For example, always take a deep breath before you start speaking.  Also, jot down a couple of notes before you speak to remind yourself of what you want to say in case you get nervous or forget while speaking.  To get over nervousness, get totally engaged in what you are saying to the point of forgetting yourself or how you look while you are saying it. 

Here is a technique that can make it easier for you to speak in meetings.  If you have a response to something that was said, or an idea, instead of saying your idea, start by asking a question.  For example, instead of saying “I have an idea.  Why don’t we do …?” you can say “What if we approach this differently?” then pause.  People will then ask you what you mean. Then you can respond by giving a little more information, then pausing to let others say what they think. This way, you get engaged in the conversation and forget about your shyness.

As far as in presentations, one of the techniques you can use to get over stage fright is to imagine everyone in the audience as a kid.  Then imagine each of them carrying a lollypop and enjoying the show that you are about to put on, as if they are watching a movie and cannot wait for their favorite star (you) to get on the stage.  You might get a giggle out of this and relax a bit.  People will see you smiling to them and they think “Oh, she is so confident of herself!” when in reality you are smiling because of the funny images of your audience as kids with lollipops. 

Also, remember that to your audience you look less nervous than you feel.  They might not even notice that you are nervous.  Finally, watch your posture and make sure you are standing tall and confident, which will positively reflect on your feelings.  Stage fright gets better the more you practise.  It also gets better after the first five minutes of the presentation. 

Good luck,
Ammar W.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007